A common response people have when asked what they want to focus on or improve in marriage or couples counselling is often communication. While this might seem to be a reasonable goal, the term is so general and broad that it is neither descriptive nor helpful. As a counsellor, you’re left wondering if by “communication” they are referring to active listening skills, conflict resolution strategies, assertive statements, non-verbal communication, etc.? In truth, they may be referring to all of the above.

_{In my career as a therapist working with people hoping to create healthier relationships in their lives, there is one element that seems to link and weave through all of the usual communication skills and strategies. It’s what I’ve come to view as the ‘secret ingredient’ in relationships, and that is empathy. It’s that quality, intention and emotion that should always be present and practiced in our most important relationships. It’s the one element that provides a special “flavouring” making our connections distinctive and meaningful.}

Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the capacity to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. In contrast, sympathy is to feel sorrow or pity for a person’s condition.

Empathy is not about trying to fix a situation for someone or make things better. Empathy is, as researcher and author Brené Brown describes, simply “feeling with people.” Empathy is the ability to relate to what the other person is going through by tapping into your own experiences. This doesn’t mean you have to have lived through the exact same circumstances. You simply have to know what it feels like to be sad, hurt, or scared, for example, and then communicate and share this understanding with the other person.

But this is not always easy. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in a delicate situation with a person is simply to be fully present, listen deeply, and be emotionally connected. And being empathetic also doesn’t mean agreeing with them, rather it means understanding what it must feel like to be them at the moment.

Some principles to keep in mind when being empathetic are:

1. Focus on the other person – this is about them, not you;

2. Take their perspective – try and see the situation through their eyes;

3. Suspend your judgment – this is their experience, not yours;

4. Understand and validate their thoughts and emotions – let them know you hear them and that they’re not alone;

5. Just be there with them – you don’t have to fix or solve anything.

When we experience an empathetic response it “fuels connection” between people, as Brené Brown says, and creates closeness in our relationships. On the other hand, a lack of empathy in intimate relationships can create distance and judgment, which may ultimately lead to a more disconnected relationship.

By giving and receiving empathy in our relationships we understand how good it feels to be seen, heard and accepted. So, next time we are working to improve our communication, let’s remember to sprinkle in some empathy in our interactions to really make them exceptional!

This post written by Andrew Gustainis: Andrew is a dedicated mental health professional providing assessment, intervention and case management to youth, adults, and families presenting with a wide range of psycho-social, interpersonal and relational issues. His specialty involves relationships, parenting, family violence, anger management, grief and trauma with a specific focus on youth and men in crisis.

Looking For Ways to be a Better Husband?

There is no magic elixir or checklist that can turn any man into the ideal husband. That being said, there are always things that can be done to form a stronger bond with your partner.

Three important aspects of a successful relationship

Commitment

Commitment entails more than just a desire to remain together for a long period. It’s the act of selecting a life partner and pledging to share all of life’s ups and downs with them. While there may be plenty of fish in the sea, being married signifies you are fully committed to making the relationship work, dispelling any fears that this is merely a test run. Commitment is a choice you make every day.

Love

While most couples begin their relationships in love, it takes effort, sacrifice, and generosity to keep that passion for each other alive. True love is prioritizing your mate and selflessly offering without expecting anything in return. It also aids in accepting each other for who you are, flaws and all, and forgiving each other when you fail.

Respect

Even the most genuine expressions of love are meaningless if the marital partners do not respect one another. Respecting your partner’s talents, ideas, and abilities entails not only accepting but also admiring their differences. Respect can also assist you in listening to each other’s perspectives and overcoming obstacles and arguments.

Marriage therapists who work with couples on improving their relationships on a regular basis have stated that there are certain tools and abilities that all married men should possess in order to be better husbands.

Ask the Question “How can I love you better this week?”

The wants and needs of any person can vary on a frequent basis. It’s critical to check in with your partner to see what you can do to improve your love for them. It might be anything from childcare to a back massage to more hugging, or simply checking in throughout the day. Not only does asking the question allow them to directly tell you how to be a better spouse, but it also shows that you care.

Connect in ways meaningful to your partner

You can save a lot of time by learning about your partner’s preferences and needs. Ask what they need, what they value, how do they want you to connect with them? It can be easy to assume that others want to receive love the way we do but that isn’t always the case. Be curious and discover how your partner prefers to connect and be loved.

Try to understand, not just agree

When it comes to work schedules, personal objectives, home obligations, economics, parenting, and other issues, you and your spouse will not always agree. Instead of trying to “convince” people to your side of the argument, your goal should be to understand their point of view and why they believe what they believe. You’ll be better able to compromise and collaborate on solutions that benefit both sides if you understand each other.

Share a six-second kiss

I know what you’re thinking: who keeps track of how long they kiss?

Well, it’s something to think about. It’s not the same as merely kissing on the lips when you share a kiss like this. A six-second kiss is long enough to make your partner feel desired by you. It’s not long enough to make you all hot and bothered, but it acknowledges your mutual attraction—and could add some sexual tension in a good way.

Allow yourselves some alone time

You are not required to be in your spouse’s presence at all times. Spending time apart as a spouse is beneficial. Encouraging your spouse (and, if you have children, their children) to be apart from you will revitalize them. They can fill their cup by spending time with friends, booking a hotel for a night alone, or scheduling a self-care day. It also gives you and your partner time to miss one other, which can make you feel even more amorous when you reunite.

Talk about how you met

When was the last time you and your partner discussed how you first met? Take a walk down memory lane with a conversation: Where did you meet? How did your first date go? Life can throw us some unexpected twists and turns. It’s sometimes necessary to remind yourself (and your partner) why you married each other in the first place.

Forgive more often and more quickly

Marriage is the result of two people being extremely adept at forgiving one another. It will be a long road to healing and completeness if you can’t forgive your partner for the tiny things they’ve done.

Perhaps most important of all, though…

Don’t forget to look after yourself

Let’s not just talk about your physical health; let’s talk about your mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being as well. To begin with, it’s enticing when someone strives to be better in all aspects of their life. However, your personal troubles in any aspect of your life might seep into your marriage and produce further issues. For example, if one partner suffers from depression but refuses to seek treatment, the condition will surely have an impact on the other partner, the relationship, and the entire family.

If you are struggling to look after yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Your partner and your marriage will be thankful that you did.

Resources from Men &

• Fathering Tool Kit

• Managing Conflict Interactive Toolkit

• Goal Setting Tool Kit

• Anxiety Tool Kit

• Depression Tool Kit

• Managing Transitions Tool Kit

• How to Start a Men’s Group Tool Kit

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