The glue that keeps our society connected is the relationships we build over our lives. Some relationships we’ve built by choice. Others, we’ve been born with. In either scenario, there are times when our relationships help us thrive, and there can be challenges to navigate and issues to address.

In the time since launching Men &, relationships have been built surrounding this project that are both encouraging and progressive. As we start our weekly newsletter, the topic of relationships was a clear choice.

Each week in May, we’ll be highlighting two articles on relationships. Our format will always include links to further reading and resources.

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— The Men & Editorial Team

Empathy: the ‘Secret Ingredient’ in Relationships

by Andrew Gustainis

A common response people have when asked what they want to focus on or improve in marriage or couples counselling is often communication. While this might seem to be a reasonable goal, the term is so general and broad that it is neither descriptive nor helpful. As a counsellor, you’re left wondering if by “communication” they are referring to active listening skills, conflict resolution strategies, assertive statements, non-verbal communication, etc.? In truth, they may be referring to all of the above.

In my career as a therapist working with people hoping to create healthier relationships in their lives, there is one element that seems to link and weave through all of the usual communication skills and strategies. It’s what I’ve come to view as the ‘secret ingredient’ in relationships, and that is empathy. It’s that quality, intention and emotion that should always be present and practiced in our most important relationships. It’s the one element that provides a special “flavouring” making our connections distinctive and meaningful.

Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the capacity to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. In contrast, sympathy is feeling sorrow or pity for a person’s condition.

Empathy is not about trying to fix a situation for someone or make things better. Empathy is, as researcher and author Brené Brown describes, simply “feeling with people.” Empathy is the ability to relate to what the other person is going through by tapping into your own experiences. This doesn’t mean you have to have lived through the exact same circumstances. You simply have to know what it feels like to be sad, hurt, or scared, for example, and then communicate and share this understanding with the other person.

But this is not always easy. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in a delicate situation with a person is simply to be fully present, listen deeply, and be emotionally connected. And being empathetic also doesn’t mean agreeing with them, rather it means understanding what it must feel like to be them at the moment.

Some principles to keep in mind when being empathetic are:

1. Focus on the other person – this is about them, not you;

2. Take their perspective – try and see the situation through their eyes;

3. Suspend your judgment – this is their experience, not yours;

4. Understand and validate their thoughts and emotions – let them know you hear them and that they’re not alone;

5. Just be there with them – you don’t have to fix or solve anything.

When we experience an empathetic response it “fuels connection” between people, as Brené Brown says, and creates closeness in our relationships. On the other hand, a lack of empathy in intimate relationships can create distance and judgment, which may ultimately lead to a more disconnected relationship.

By giving and receiving empathy in our relationships we understand how good it feels to be seen, heard and accepted. So, next time we are working to improve our communication, let’s remember to sprinkle in some empathy in our interactions to really make them exceptional!

The Changing Shape of Family, Masculinity and Care Work

by: Jeff St. John

“Do Dads Really Matter?”

Some people might be offended by that question. One of the most important conversations currently related to men and masculinity is related to fathering and the impact of fathers.

Dads by the Numbers

Astoundingly, roughly 80% of men will become biological fathers in their lifetimes (Levtov, van der Gaag, Greene, Kaufman and Barker, 2015, p. 15) and the experiences of these dads are as innumerable and diverse as the men themselves. While much has been said and done on the representations of fathers, there is relatively little about the experience of fathers. A lot of the discourse around fathering betrays a common belief that men in caregiving roles are “really only ‘mothering’,” (Kraemer, 1991, p. 28) and that to be a man at all is really only to participate in the subordination of women (Schrock and Schwalbe, 2009, p. 281).

Overcoming these discursive and popular beliefs and the ways we embody and perform them is daunting and in some ways, doomed for struggle. In 2006, there were just over eight million fathers in Canada. Under half of these fathers were “biological, adoptive, or step-parent fathers living with children under 18 years of age” (Ball & Daly, 2012, p.3). Of the 1.4 million single-parent families with at least one child under 16, 20% involved single fathers, a number that is on the rise; the rate of growth for lone-male families was over twice the rate of growth of lone-female families (p. 3). This rate of change is representative of the changing fabric of Canada’s (and all of North America’s) social and family landscape.

Engaged Fatherhood: The Data

What we know about dads is that their engaged presence in the lives of children makes a massive difference. 

• It’s not the gender of the parents that matters – it’s the quality of the parenting, the relationship between each parent and their children, and the quality of the co-parenting relationship (Silverstein & Auerbach, 1999; Biblarz & Stacey, 2010, Nielsen, 2011).

• Children are better advantaged if they are raised by more than one healthy adult – (Hrdy on allo parenting). There are some that feel that three healthy adults are actually the ideal number, rather than the traditional singular attachment figure.

• Outcomes for children raised by single moms are remarkably similar to those raised by single dads. In fact, children who lived with fathers who were actively involved in their child’s schooling achieved at higher rates than those living with a single mom. (Lee, Kushner & Cho, 2007).

• Pruett & Litzenberger, 1992, found that children in married families where the father is the primary caretaker were more intellectually curious, more socially outgoing, and less prone to pathological separation anxiety than those in comparable groups.

• Fathers have a significant impact on their children’s social, cognitive, physical and psychological well-being.

• Fathers have as much impact as mothers do on their children’s academic and vocational success, mental health, sexual behaviour, antisocial or delinquent behaviour, self-confidence, social maturity, and relationships with the other sex. (Brotherson & White, 2006; Flouri, 2005; Lamb, 2010; Tarnis & Cabrera, 2011).

Yes! Dads Do Matter

Becoming a father was one of the most spectacular, life-changing events I could have ever imagined. I am sure there are many dads out there who share this awe and reverence attached to becoming a dad. I take my fathering journey very seriously and am committed to being the best dad I can possibly be. Although I have felt in my heart and soul that dads do matter, it is comforting and exciting to see that the research and literature back me up on this. I would even argue that pushing the conversation further and saying that healthy and engaged caregivers matter in the lives of children is also very relevant. I also believe that we need to be supporting each other to be able to participate actively in the lives of our children.

So many people in my world (mothers and fathers) are faced with the reality of single parenting following a divorce. As a community, it makes sense to be supporting our friends, colleagues, family members and others to be able to work through these challenging situations so that they can continue to show up for their children in meaningful and consistent ways despite the difficulties. Child-rearing is not the sole domain for mothers and the landscape of parenting is changing rapidly in Canada. Divorce is on the rise and children are more commonly facing the reality of fifty-fifty parenting. Societal attitudes may not have caught up yet, but the data is showing that fathers are involved and they do matter. Let’s continue to engage and have a conversation on how to support our children in the ways that will benefit them the most.

& More…

• Abuse in Relationships

• 5 Benefits of Emotional Literacy for Men

• The courage to not know

• Taking steps toward a healthier relationship

• Benefits of pet ownership

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Resources from Men &

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• Goal Setting Tool Kit

• Depression Tool Kit

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